Author Disillusionment & Delight

It was nearly midnight several days ago and the world was dark around me. My thoughts had started out excited: How long would it be until I could reasonably hope to have a completed version of When Life Hands You Lymes in my hands? What could I do to promote the book? Would the book give the hope I had always dreamed of? 
Before long though, my happy expectations faded as I waded deep in the overwhelming swamp of It’s not good enough. Suddenly a deluge of issues flooded into my brain and next thing I knew I was wondering how in the world WLHYL was ever going to work out. The ending scene was good, but what about those last few chapters? Did they wrap everything up? Or, oh my goodness, wait a second: I never fully closed that issue. Or fleshed out that sub-plot fully enough. Or explained in a reasonable way why she had overcome that problem. 
I prayed. I worried. I tossed and turned in bed. Finally I pulled my phone over and opened a copy of my book. I skipped toward the end and settled down to read. As the words came into focus and I inundated myself in the story again, I felt hope rising up in me. Some of the sentences that I’d written recently and hadn’t even remembered described the feeling I was going for so perfectly that I felt like gasping. In a way, this book had become part of me, and the emotions trickled onto the page without me being fully conscious of what I wrote. 

The hope that I’d fall asleep and escape my nightmare didn’t happen, so at last I propelled my weary body off the mattress and half tripped over to the windows where I opened the curtains. {From WLHYL}

“My dreams have crashed down around me and my world stopped spinning for a time.” I leaned forward “Yet I’ve found that the world is full of music, whether I can play it or not.” At that moment though my words felt fake. I couldn’t hear life’s music, only an awful, crushing silence. {From WLHYL}

Tiny waves of peace lapped at my toes. Yes, the book still had issues. Yes, it was scary thinking of other people going through it and finding mistakes. Yes, I had a lot of work to look forward to with it… Yet in a way this is just the beginning. Although I’d been crafting WLHYL for almost 30 months, it’s still just a baby. And babies need to grow.
I keep having to remind myself that life is full of corrections, and that’s a good thing. Just because WLHYL has a river of issues that need cleared up, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t also have an ocean of possibilities waiting to be discovered. 
Instead of being cut adrift by the tide of uncertainty and possible disillusionment, I’m choosing to delight in the possibilities and learn and grow and take each step at a time and dance to the tune of some unknown melody. In reality, God has it all under control, and even though I still have quite the road ahead of me, with Him all things are possible. So I’m gonna throughly enjoy this journey and I’m grateful for y’all who are along for the ride with me. 

Soon their music filled the room with a thousand different memories that swirled around me in a kaleidoscope of colors and hues that danced in perfect harmony with each other. {From WLHYL}

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