When Life Hands You Lymes #86

Good morning, y’all! I just spent a while reading the last couple chapters of When Life Hands You Lymes because guess what? We only have three segments left after this one! That means September is the last month that I’ll be posting segments of When Life Hands You Lymes on Noveltea. I’m so excited about that. You, me and this book have been through a lot together!
Today was also the first time I’ve read the ending to the book since I wrote it back in April. Of course it needs a ton of work, but it was pretty cool getting to actually read the ending! I hope y’all enjoy this segment and as always, comments are appreciated. 
Have a great Friday, y’all!

“It will be good to see Dr. Shay again.” Mom shifted in her seat. 
“I’m glad you all are coming along.” I gave Darrick and Julia both a thumbs up. Mom had been so excited about the health tips Dr. Shay had given her when we visited back in January that the whole family who lived at home was flying out in one of our personal planes with Dad as the pilot. 
“Do you think you’re over Lyme disease by now?” Darrick peered at me intently, as if trying to see into my thoughts. 
“I’m don’t feel like I am.” I shrugged. “The doctor did say that because of the high level of stress my body has been under while trying to fight the disease that I’ll continue to feel bad for several months after the disease itself has been killed.”
“Right, and you’re not having any herxhimer reactions any more so that’s a good sign, right?” Julia asked. 
“I’ll say it is. I wasn’t sure I’d survive her wrath when those spirochetes were dying off.” 
I glared at my brother. “I wasn’t sure I would survive it either, so cool it.” 
“What will you do if you find out that you are over Lyme disease?”  
“I will go for a run all by myself and laugh and cry and celebrate. Then I will take my violin to the top of a mountain and play while watching the sunset.” 
“You’ve thought about this before?” Darrick seems surprised. 
“How else do you think I convince myself to keep going? Of course I think about the next step on the road to recovery. I want to be whole. I want to be better. I dream of diving back into life and experiencing it like a healthy person would.” 
“We’re close you know.” Darrick punched my shoulder. 
“To Colorado?” 
“To recovery.” 
“You think so?” It was so hard to find the balance between being hopeful and being realistic.  I didn’t want to set myself back by having too high of expectations, but I didn’t want to be cynical either. And the balance between the two was being rather elusive. 
“Yep. I think so.” Darrick grinned at me then turned to look out his window. I followed his example and sighed in delight at the gorgeous mountain ranges below us. 
Our night at the hotel was filled with games, popcorn and coconut juice.
I sighed. “I can hardly believe we are here to go to a doctor.” Julia was brushing her teeth as I lie in bed, arms above my head. “It feels like a family vacation, yet I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach like tomorrow is going to be huge.” 
“It will be huge.” Julia turned off the light above the sink and crawled into the bed next to mine. “No matter what the doctor says it’s going to be progress. Even though you don’t feel perfect you are getting better and that’s what matters right?” 
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me in the dark. “I almost don’t want to find out that I’m over Lyme disease.” 
“Why?” 
“I dreamed of feeling all the way better when I found out I was over Lyme disease, but recently I’ve realized that might not be the case.” 
“Meaning you don’t want to find out that you’re ‘quote and quote healthy’ when you’re still struggling so much with your health problems?” 
“Exactly.” I rubbed my face with both hands and let out a little moan. “I feel so complicated at times.” 
“I don’t think that’s complicated.” Julia’s words are slurred like she’s falling asleep. “It’s natural that you want to feel well so you can thoroughly celebrate getting better and moving on with life.”
I don’t bother answering, Julia’s probably asleep anyway. After forty-five minutes of my brain continuing to twist and turn down previously-explored pathways I slipped out of bed and rummaged as quietly as possible through my backpack until I found my journal and pen. Going into the bathroom I shut the door then turned on the light. I placed a towel on the floor then sit down with my back against the door and opened my journal. 
Normal. I crave it. Only I don’t know what normal is any more. Is it some hardship that I’ve glorified? A picturesque ideal that will never exist in my life again? Am I supposed to find a new normal? Be content with my current state of being? 
If I do hear that I’m healed from Lyme disease will I be able to rejoice or will I only mourn my continued lack of energy and not feeling well? I feel so much better than I did a six weeks ago. I’m leaps and bounds beyond where I was six months ago. Yet I crave to have the boundless energy Julia seems to have. To be able to go, go, go like Mom. To be pain free and live life without the fear of sudden break down of total exhaustion. 
God, am I ungrateful for the gifts You’ve given to me? I pray not. I am thankful. I do rejoice at how well I’m feeling. But sometimes it feels like it’s not enough. I’m on a journey and in the far distance I can see the beauty waiting for me, beckoning me to come but the path is treacherous. 
I leaned my head back against the cool wooden door and closed my eyes, taking a few minutes to breath deeply. To exist in the moment. To not worry about what I will or won’t hear tomorrow. 
My destination looks like it’s far away in the distance, yet I can see it. I’m happy to continue the journey. If I find out tomorrow that I am over Lyme disease though, what will I feel like then? I know I have a problem with feeling guilty about the silliest things and I don’t want to feel guilty if I find out that I’m healed when I’m still suffering. 

I sit there twiddling my thumbs for few minutes then put the lid back on my pen and go back to bed. “Whatever You have in store for me, God, I’ll be happy and I will rejoice.” 

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