Hey Everyone! Can you imagine? The first month of 2015 is almost already over! Craziness. Actually, there’s been so much going on in my life that I can hardly believe it’s still January. 🙂 Today is Friday, so sit back and enjoy the 56th segment of my fictional story, When Life Hands You Lymes.
My mind is begging me to spill the huge amount of unsolicited thoughts ramming around in my too-small brain and so I’m going to endeavor to do just that and perhaps I’ll be able to find some relief.
Life is confusing me. Not just the little things like “What should I do with my life?” but the bigger things. Like, “Why am I here?” and “If I’m just going to be sick day after day, week after week, month after month and then eventually year after year, why do I keep fighting for life?”
I remember as a little girl wondering how in the world anyone could ever commit suicide. Life seemed like such a perfect thing back then, a treasure to hold on to, to work with, to turn into a beautiful story. Now I think I understand. Life is hard. Each day I have to make a choice to continue this fight that I didn’t ask for. Sure, there’s beauty, but there’s also pain and at times the pain overshadows everything else.
This morning I was ‘excused’ from playing in the Ashburg Symphony. Meaning, Dad was so freaked out by my little stunt of not sleeping for 40ish hours that he refused to let me leave the house. Sure, I see his point, I’m so weak that I’m on the verge of collapsing, but really? Why? Why can’t I do the one thing that still holds excitement for me? It’s so not fair.
Ok. Ok. Deep breath. Who am I to be talking to You this way? God, please forgive me. I know You’re so powerful You could have just struck me down dead and I thank You for not doing that. Even though I might not want to continue this fight any more, I would be scared to death and hate to go out while not giving You the honor You deserve. I’m sorry.
Alright, let me see how I can say this: I’m freaking out inside, God. I don’t know how to think any more. I don’t know how to pray like I think I’m supposed to. I don’t know if I should be railing against the injustice of life or thanking You for all the added blessings I’ve received in my seventeen years. I don’t know if I should beg You to erase the healthy years of my life so it’s not so difficult to be ok with how life is now, or if I should thank You for giving me those years of living life free from health related trials.
I’m worried about who I’m becoming. About the cynical, frowning girl I’m turning into. I’m used to being bubbly. I’m used to finding joy in the little things in life. I’m used to having a grand sense of humor. I hate who I see when I look in the mirror. Dead eyes. A smile-less face. A heart aching so badly it’s blocked out the rest of the world just to try and combat the pain. This isn’t who I want to be. This isn’t the person I signed up to become.
I need to change, but I’m not sure how to. I don’t want to continue like this for one more day, yet somehow I let myself get so involved with being sorry for me and focusing on what I want instead of others that I’m not even sure how to change any more.
I used to have such great relationships with my family, now I feel like each day we’re drifting a little further apart from each other. Same thing with You. And I’m so sorry about that. I want to change. I really do. But how? How do I change? How do I stop the wheels and reverse this life of mine when it’s going so fast in the wrong direction?
Please help me. I want to find joy in life again. I want to praise You. I don’t want to view my life as something I have to endure and want to escape. I want to embrace the moments. Not because they’re easy, but because they’ve been given to me and I have the ability to make a difference in the world.
God, I think I’ve stopped believing that You have a reason for my life. I think I’ve stopped believing that I have purpose. That I can make a difference. But it’s true, isn’t it? You can work though my life just as easily now when I’m sick in bed as when I’m healthy and full of passion and zest for life. That’s a crazy thought.
Please help me really believe that. Please help me to remember that You are powerful. Please help me to remember that even though I live in a sin cursed world where I have to endure pain and suffering, that it doesn’t mean that You’ve lost control.
My thoughts, God, they’re a little bit less confusing now. Or, maybe not less confusing, but at least I’ve cleared some of them out of my brain and I can focus on just abiding now. On just being who I am and not worrying about the rest. I don’t even know what that means. What I do know is that I want to get out and do something. I want to make a difference that I can see. But what if You’ve called me to just quietly praise You while experiencing mind-numbing pain? Father-God, that doesn’t sound like fun to me, but since when did I only do what was fun?
Please, please, please help me to stay where You want me to be. For me to hold tight to You and look at where You are instead of where I am. Thank You for having patience with me. Thank You for taking care of me. Thank You for loving me.
I pray this in Jesus’ Name.
Madalyn Marie Emerson