Fear. It’s one of those things that sneak up on me. Not often, but it does. It attacks from out of no where and leaves me cringing. Sometimes it picks the normal route: getting sick again, not knowing what to say, inadequacy. Other times it comes in a more unusual form.
Take for instance when I was working so desperately hard to win the fight with Lyme disease. Suddenly, I was scared to be better, to be whole. I had lived with the sickness for so long, I didn’t know how to survive without it. People change a lot between the ages of 14 and 20. I was worried about who I actually was outside of being sick. Somehow during those six years my identity had become intertwined with the disease until I couldn’t tell one from the other.
Then of course I had the fear of people finding out about my silly phobia. Who in the world wouldn’t want to be healed after suffering for so long? As it turns out, it wasn’t a silly phobia after all. It was a very serious problem for me that I had to work though and conquer.
More recently the fear that’s crawling at me, wanting to be let in, is the fear of one day not wanting to write any more. When I write that down, my first thought is How much sillier can you get? But it’s a real fear, and fear feels serious.
The last few weeks I have been absolutely loving life. Actually, most of this year has been spent thinking “Wow, thank You, God for this life You’ve given to me!”. I’ve been finding joy in just about everything.
There was something I really wanted to do this week. And for a while I thought it might work out. But it didn’t. There was something I really wanted to do the first week of July. I had thought for sure it was going to work out. And it didn’t. In both those instances, I had the choice to rejoice or to mope.
I chose to rejoice. Why? Well, first of all because we’re commanded to and that makes life better for everyone involved. But another reason was trust. I’ve been really, really learning to trust in God this year. It’s been an amazing journey. I’ve made the most wonderful discovery recently: Rejoicing is so much easier when I’m trusting in God, because I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a great plan for my life. He can see the beginning from the end. He knows everything.
In the same way and for the same reason that I choose to rejoice, I can also choose not to fear. I know that God has a great plan for my life. Some days writing my not come easily. Some years writing might not come easily, but as long as I’m walking with God and doing His will, then I’ll be able to push through and write when and what I’m supposed to be writing.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18