Who I Am

(Well, I just wrote a bunch of stuff and then deleted it. Almost a whole post’s worth. I’m having a hard time with this post.)

I guess this is what I have to say for today: I’m a writer. I write because that’s what I was born to do. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s exciting. Sometimes it’s overwhelming. Sometimes it’s fun. Sometimes it’s more work than I feel like doing. Sometimes I want to give up. Most of the time I want to push through. 
No matter what though, I keep going. I keep going because as I said, I’m a writer. It’s who I am. It’s not something that I do, it’s something that I am. I’m not sure how else to explain it. I know, for a writer I should be eloquent in such matters, right?
I really am excited about my writing now. I’m happy with where everything’s going. I’m thrilled to finally, finally, have a book published. That doesn’t mean that my writing-life is all peaches and cream though. (Whatever that’s supposed to mean?) I am constantly feeling the weight of what I have to learn. Of what I need to do next. Of who I’m trying to become. I feel bogged down. At times I just want to do ‘fun’ stuff instead of focusing on learning and growing. It’s scary letting everyone see my work. Wondering if it’s really good enough. I feel inferior to other writers. I second-guess myself. I feel like a full-blown amateur. 

Pictures taken by my adopted mom
But I wouldn’t change that (well, I would change some stuff, but I wouldn’t do-away with it altogether) because hard times are good. They help us to grow. They make us reach for heights yet unexplored. They mold us into who we’re supposed to be. Into who we were born to become. 
I’m not going to be ‘ok’ with being average and ordinary, because the God who I serve didn’t create me to waste my life. He gave me a purpose and designed me to do great things. Not so I can get the praise, but so I can give Him the glory that He deserves. 
So, even when it’s hard (and believe me, it is!) I’m going to be pressing forward. Chugging upward. Crawling toward the place where I’m meant to be. And someday I’ll look back and realize that it was all worth it. 
What about you? Can you relate?

5 thoughts on “Who I Am

  1. Aaron Smith says:

    The word 'amateur' is an old French word meaning “lover of”. The implication was that someone so labeled worked their craft out of sheer appreciation, unhindered by financial reward. So while you may have intended to highlight a sense of inadequacy, you have also touched on the very quality that will carry you far beyond the incentive of recognition or fortune. Personally, I hope to always be a “full-blown amateur”. If I do not do what I choose to do because I truly love to do it, perhaps I shouldn't be doing it at all. Sure, “amateur” can be used to mean “not as good as a professional”, but I rather think that at the heart of every true professional is an amateur – a “lover of” their work, because it's more than work – it's their calling. It's what they were made to do. 🙂

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